The Gift in Her Grief: Jane Duncan Rogers Founded “Before I Go Solutions” to Help the Rest of Us Grieve Less. Part 1.

Episode Notes

Coming to you from Whidbey Island, Washington this is Stories From Women Who Walk. You’ll recognize yourself in these true-life stories from women who are walking their lives while their lives walk them and the lasting difference these journeys have made. I’m your host, Diane Wyzga.

Today my guest is Jane Duncan Rogers, founder and Chief Officer of Before I Go Solutions and Before I Go Academy who’s joining us from North Scotland. Like many of us who were walking their lives until Life walked them, Jane enjoyed a successful career in retailing, trained with the wonderful Louise Hay, offered You Can Heal Your Life study groups, became an award-winning psychotherapist before finding herself face-to-face with Death at the age of 54 when her  husband, Phillip, died. Three years later Jane published a book called Gifted By Grief. Where is the gift in grief? I’ve invited Jane to talk with us about the absolutely vital end-of-life planning work that she and her team are spreading around the world. Welcome to the podcast, Jane!

Minutes 29:15

00 to 2:00     Intro

2:00 to 5:15     Start From Where You Are

One fine day I will get to Scotland to spend time hiking and trekking. If I met up with you on one of your favorite walks, what’s the first thing I’d notice about you?

• Jane’s energy, passion and honesty. It seems to be who she is!
• No matter where she is and the topic she’s talking about that’s what she brings to it

And if we had some time to walk along together what might I get to know about you?

• On the outside Jane looks pretty ordinary and normal
• But on the inside is different and had unusual life in many respects
• A bit of a teaser

When we parted ways what would I remember about walking with you?

• How the host felt
• How we make people feel is what we remember
• Remember the walk as nourishing and fun and  learning and excited to return to our lives
• Host recalls how wonderful it would be to live next door to Jane and inspire each other
• Let’s try and inspire the world here!

5:15 to 7:50     Professional Life Experiences Unexpectedly Set Stage for Current Role

We all have a back story. Before we get to the very BIG story of Before I Go Solutions, I have a question: Those who have listened to your TEDx talk or heard your recent interview with Tara Nash on her Conscious Grief series might be aware of what started you on the road to Before I Go Solutions. Before we get to that story I’d like to know a bit about your own growth and learning and how it prepared for your current work:

• Had been an award-winning counselor and coach for over 25 years, having originally trained personally with the famous Louise L. Hay in 1990, working in the personal growth
• Was helping small business owners to reach their full potential when Philip died.
• Jane says past didn’t really prepare her for current work; other than saying when she looked back and learned that everything done before prepared for today
• Always interested in behind the scenes
• At age 16 Jane wanted to study psychology to learn how human minds work which isn’t what she learned at university; but it is the beginning of formal behind-the-scenes learning
• Also interested in how businesses worked; Jane brings that to the present day in end-of-life planning facilitation training
• Loved Louise Hay for the fantastic blend of spiritual and practical; Jane has that spiritual connection to Life and being in Life which translates into a practical way that is joy in purpose
• Jane inspires others from a bedrock of loving what she does that is also practical and helpful to people

7:50 to 12:15     Preparing for the Expected

Which brings us nicely to the next chapter. You’ve written and spoken that because of questions your husband Phillip answered in his last year you were prepared for some things, but not all things. Would you share with us a bit of the story about the unexpected diagnosis and preparation for end-of-life; in particular, what you didn’t know about, what you had to decide, both alone and together.

• October 2010 Jane’s husband Phillip was diagnosed (out of the blue) with stomach cancer; no reason to suspect anything
• Caught early so they had hope it would resolve well and Phillip would recover
• After chemotherapy and surgery that was not completely successful they realized they were facing the end
• Difficult and made every moment even more precious
• They received an email from a mutual friend with a list of questions that Jane ignored, ignore again and then the 3rd time finally looked at
• Together Jane and Phillip answered a list of very practical questions (passwords, coffin, body dressing, and so on)
• Actually had a “good time doing it, believe it or not!”
• Jane recalls that this was like a project; she and Phillip had been good at doing projects together (home renovation, books, etc.)
• This felt like they were creating something together even with the reluctance to begin. And the project helped a lot
• When Phillip died 4 months later Jane met with funeral director and when asked how the body should be dressed Jane knew what to say
• What made that lovely? Phillip had told that her that he  wanted to be dressed in his dressing gown which Jane had made for him.
• Jane didn’t know: body could be brought home to lie in the house where friends could come to pay respects; didn’t need to get the funeral home involved right away; and so on.
• What Jane later learned opened up choices

12:15 to 17:00     The Effect of Grief on Loved Ones Who Are Unprepared

Host finds the story remarkable that a friend sent the triggering email. How did that come to be?

• An old friend of Phillip’s was a nurse specialist who was familiar with end-of-life and either prepared or found the questions
• Most importantly, the nurse friend had seen the effect on families with these things not being addressed until it is too late
• Jane knew it would have been helpful to investigate a crematorium but could not; today she organizes crematorium tours for her clients which is interesting when you are “researching” and there’s a lot to learn
• If we want to re-do the kitchen, say we will get bids from 3 contractors, compare and decide whom to go with. Do we do this with funeral directors? No. Why don’t we do it? Because at the time we need one we are faced with loss and grief
• Shopping around is sensible – before the grief – well in advance of needing it
• Host’s personal experience with her mother’s passing and the role of the 7 siblings jumping in to scramble and get ready with the myriad of details when death happened rather quickly. Versus when her father passed and had a simple pine coffin in mind but still the link to purchase was shared with a friend who was able to track down coffin. Start to plan now because your loved ones will be in no position to make big decisions at the time. As Host has written, “End-of-life is a GPS for our loved ones.”

17:00 to  19:50     Avoiding Unnecessary Costs

• End-of-life decisions can be an enormous expense or not, depending on so many factors
• Choices abound if you know about them ahead of time
• Do the research
• You don’t need a funeral at all; all that’s required is the proper disposal of the body remains
• Can easily and appropriately keep costs down if you know
• People are unaware of the shocking impact that grief has;  even when you know that death is imminent and how that translates to your thinking and behavior which becomes muddled
• Unless you’ve had this experience you probably have no clue how you will react
• Best advice: have the conversation well beforehand and translate that conversation into writing

19:50 to 22:45     First Book: Gifted by Grief

How did your first book, Gifted by Grief come about? What prompted you to write this book some 3 years after Phillip’s death and what might be the gift in grief?

• When Phillip was ill Jane was practicing as a small business coach and writing a blog on the topic of living while a loved one is dying
• Jane’s writing style is direct and honest: who she is is what you get
• Jane knew one day she would write a story from her view point and Phillip’s; but not right away
• Jane trusted that she would know what was the right time to write; proceeded to a mind map of the book
• It took a few more months before Jane began writing the book and it all poured out in 6 weeks time
• Jane’s experience was very cathartic and part of her healing journey
• Making the end-of-life experience a proper book was the way to honor Phillip, the journey and help other people

22:45 to 25:40     What Followed Gifted by Grief

• Following the book Jane offered small workshops to those who wanted to work on grief
• Jane was shocked to learn that the chapter on The Questions was a popular and necessary topic
• Where your Life walks you is how Jane felt: maybe I should show these folks what to do
• A waiting list appeared which said, “Something’s here.”
• Jane believed she was being shown what to do, knew how to take training on line
• “It was just me doing this.”
• Jane came to understand she needed to create a not-for-profit enterprise with a name, directors and such
• Before I Go Solutions  name came easily to Jane; “just popped into my head.”
• The enterprise grew as Jane followed energies and impulses
• Jane keeps checking in to ask if this is what she should be doing and the answer is still a big “Yes!”

25:40 to 29:15     Frustrations, Challenges and Return Next Week for Part 2   

Host: You have so beautifully articulated the path through the woods about how something comes into being and doing wonderful work in the world growing out of one’s own sadness, grief, loss but Life and Jane in concert made this happen. When you follow what you are really truly meant to be doing here. I’m curious: You said you knew you were on the right path because of the resounding “Yes!” as you kept checking in; but what might have been some of the frustrations and challenges as you were putting all this together?

Here we are, at the end of the road but not the journey. Thank you for listening to Part 1 of this episode of Stories From Women Who Walk with your host Diane Wyzga and my guest Jane Duncan Rogers, the founder and Chief Officer of Before I Go Solutions and Before I Go Academy who joined us from North Scotland.  We hope you enjoyed and are motivated by our end-of-life planning conversation. We’ll be back in a week with Part 2.

You’re also invited to check out over 375 episodes of this podcast Stories From Women Who Walk found on Simplecast, your favorite podcast platform, including Android and my website: Quarter Moon Story Arts. This is the place to thrive together. Come for the stories – stay for the magic. Speaking of magic, I hope you’ll subscribe, follow, share a nice shout out on your social media or podcast channel of choice, and join us next time! You will have wonderful company as we walk our lives together.

Production Team: Quarter Moon Story Arts

Music: Entering Erdenheim from Crossing the Waters by Steve Schuch & Night Heron Music

Sound Editing: Dawin Carlisle & First Class Reels

All content and image © 2019 – Present: for credit and attribution Quarter Moon Story Arts

About the Guest

ABOUT JANE DUNCAN ROGERS  

Who am I?

Jane Duncan Rogers, founder of Before I Go Solutions and the B.I.G. Academy.

When my husband Philip died, I never for one moment imagined  I would end up working in this field.

I had been an award-winning counselor and coach for over 25 years, having originally trained personally with the famous Louise L. Hay in 1990, working in the personal growth field in many different aspects. I’d  published books and tapes (well before the internet) and was helping small business owners to reach their full potential when Philip died.

Because of the questions he had answered in his last year, I was well prepared in some respects for the admin side of things afterwards. But there was much more we simply did not know about.

Fast forward to 2018, a year during which both my parents died.  They had completed a comprehensive end-of-life plan each, the one that Before I Go Solutions offers, now known as the Before I Go Method®.

This was very different to my husband who had answered some things, but there was a lot more that I simply had to decide about myself.

And that difference was huge – as my parents’ executor, I simply had to follow all their thoughtful instructions.

What’s more, it was easy to find everything, and I took great solace from knowing I was carrying out what they wanted (and that they had known I would do this).

My three siblings and I had no arguments at all, over what was a pretty stressful period (they both died unexpectedly within the same week).

I am so incredibly grateful and appreciative for the organisation they had so carefully thought through.

So I know from personal experience how hugely important this preparation work is, and I want to help you to help others do this too!

Jane’s background of 25 years in the psychotherapeutic and training fields has been perfect for the not-for-profit – Before I Go Solutions – she founded and helps to operate. Together with her team of trained End of Life Facilitators, she provides products and programmes to help people complete their end-of-life plans, something about which many have good intentions but never quite actually get around to doing.

Jane lives in the North of Scotland, re-married during COVID lock-down, and she and her new husband are building not only a new life but a new eco-house/home together.

How to Stay in Touch With Jane Duncan Rogers 

Jane Duncan Rogers

Chief Officer Before I Go Solutions CIC, www.beforeigosolutions.com

– Author of: Before I Go: The Essential Guide to Creating A Good End of Life Plan and Gifted By Grief

– Speaker on TedX talk: How to Do A Good Death

– Training in End of Life Plan Facilitation:  https://beforeigosolutions.com/big-training-intensive/

– Facebook: End-of-Life Conversations Group: https://www.facebook.com/beforeigosolutions/

– Twitter: https://twitter.com/giftedbygrief

– Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/janeduncanrogers-5aa3b591

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